Next Spring, when I return to the United States, it will be two years since I left. I have elderly aunts and an uncle in Ohio I want to see. Memories of them in my life have stayed with me through a roller coaster of life’s experiences. I don’t know if they understood why I left Ohio and chose never to live there again, since we were close throughout my formative years. And I don’t know if they will ever really understand why I’m living in Europe, a place to them, as far away as the moon. Yet, I think once they see me, hear my voice, and see my smile—all the doubts that I forgot them will disappear.
Family is a word many expats say with deep reflection. Most of the ones I’ve met or watched their journeys on YouTube, are either retired, have no children or family, or have split from their U.S. relatives, because of opposite political views. There’s a sense that their decision to leave America was driven by a desire for a different path—because the one they were on had no clear end leading to peace of mind.
Often just sitting quietly with no time limit, even though the spoken language around you is foreign, is a comfort—meaning it’s okay to be adrift from the familiar Starbucks, Denny’s, Costco, or Walmart.
Shedding a comfort zone was easy for me, because I moved a lot chasing career opportunity. I’ve never been one to march to some else’s idea of who I should be. I did enough of that on my own, comparing myself to others. Growing into one’s skin and filling out the empty spaces until you’re wearing a complete version of yourself isn’t easy, and sometimes that perfect fit doesn’t happen until you’re in the second half of your life.
Europe is home now, and no matter what, family in the United States will always be my family. I’m not trying to forget them. I’m just living my life in a way that I’ve realized I don’t need a Starbucks, Walmart, Costco, or Denny’s.
Home has become a place in my mind I can touch today and reminiscence about the yesteryear. I have no recipe for what anyone should do and not do. However, I do feel that fear, or carrying so many excuses inside for not being a truer version of yourself, will prevent you from making room for that perfect fit—a reflection you can appreciate as it shines through.
Dearest Cheryl,
I can’t tell you how much your words today fit me. I’m going through a transition, driven by external factors and events. It feels like I’m becoming the man that I have the potential to become if I just embrace the influences, challenges, joys, and opportunities. Being a Gemini, I can observe myself in the process and I stand back in wonder. Who knew this boy from the Midwest could develop such deep emotions, perception, and connection?
Thank you once again for helping me to sort the vagueness of my mind into concrete concepts and images. I love you to the moon and back!
Your friend,
Steve
Dear Steve, many a day I question my sanity. I wonder and question the reason WHY, but when I allow the space to settle in between my brain… I find I can accept and embrace my decisions. I left behind not so much an amazing life, as it was an interesting one. I think without taking risks and asking for forgiveness from family to accept my decisions…I’m gaining more and more happiness and less regret. I’m excited about moving forward and seeing what “trouble” I can get myself in!
How can it be 2 years since you were last in America?? No wonder we’ve missed you two so much. Bless you for your words of deep soul searching about why you are ex-pats and the work you do to be your truer selves. It is gratifying and impressive. There are sooo many challenges right now in today’s world, especially here in the US… and it boggles the mind to see sooo much chaos and so little accountability for those who bring harm to the innocent and those running the government for their own aggrandizement and sometimes little else. God, please help us all! Amen!
It’s been a journey, a ride of a lifetime, and unexpected challenges I would have never anticipated. I’ve grown into this fearless person, able to see what I want and don’t want. I think existing outside of your comfort zone and realizing you have one life—-as you know it—gives surprising courage. I don’t have regrets, just bits of sadness for not seeing family who have shaped me as an adult. I miss my dear friends, like you, but our kindship is much more than deeper a single sentence.
A beautiful essay
I try. It’s not easy to be vulnerable, but after all these years of putting my thoughts to paper, I feel I have grown.
I’m glad you are happy!
You know Terrie, making peace with decisions is not easy, but once decided, you have to accept the good, bad, happiness, and regret. These emotions give me a reality I can live with.
Dear Cheryl, your words are an echo of how I feel about deciding to leave the U.S. I do miss Seattle, my sisters, my children…but I am at peace with my life here. Sometimes, because of my mom’s illness, I life like Troy and I are on hold. Like we are waiting for our true Chilean experience to begin. But then again, we have had many wonderful adventures and hope to have many more.
Hugs!
Dear Marly, the decision we make DOES have an impact on our life. I feel the decision to leave the US has changed from curiosity to necessity for my peace of mind. Happiness is sometimes a selfish frame of mind, asking for forgiveness along the way. I make no excuses or apologies, at this point in my life. I desire to live on both sides of the coin and can only hope, those who know me—will understand my quest. You and I share a common thread of reflection, and for that, our souls are one.
All the best to you on your journey to Ohio to visit family! And much LOVE to you in Europe as you live the complete version of your Life Purpose. Life is completely different when we live our Life Purpose!!!
Hello Heather, this response comes a bit late, as we’ve been traveling in France. Home is always a shadow following me no matter where I live. Life carries with it a lot of memories bringing me closer to who I am.
Cheryl, beautiful soul … “Growing into one’s skin and filling out the empty spaces until you’re wearing a complete version of yourself isn’t easy, and sometimes that perfect fit doesn’t happen until you’re in the second half of your life.” You’ve said it. For me this is still an ongoing process whilst holding gratitude for those who have been, are still part of my life. At least this is my view as I turn 80 this November! Love you.
Hi Zoe, Life is what we know now, but dreams are what we can always have forever.
Keep the sunshine inside and you’ll light the way.